Have you ever had someone in your life that you love, unconditionally, and they continue to disappoint and bring you down, despite your best efforts to help?

I'm done caring, I'm done helping, I'm. just. done. I can't take it anymore. I am literally screaming inside right now to keep myself from grabbing him and slapping the shit out of him. I've dealt with depression. I have fought my way through 3 years of absolute HELL, and still struggle today to keep it at bay. I got help in the end. He refuses. Instead its 'oh woe is me, my life sux, everybody sux, blah blah blah'. Wah; get over it.

I know that may seem harsh to some of you, but you have NO IDEA how bad things have gotten, and just how tired I am of EVERYTHING. I have never before felt that I'd rather stay at work then come home. Why do some people have such an utter disregard to making things better for themselves?!? I will support him no matter what he chooses to do, just make a fucking choice, already!!! Stop holding it all inside! Stop treating me like I'm a half-wit fucktard that doesn't know my ass from a hole in the ground and TALK TO ME. 

He's worse than a fucking woman!!! I say "What's wrong?" he says "nothing, I'm tired". I try to have a general conversation, and I get blank stares and no response. What the FUCK!!! 

So I'm done. If he wants to save this marriage then its now up to him. Until then, I'm not putting forth another ounce of energy - this is a two way street, and right now, there's only traffic moving in one direction. 10 years of my life has been spent with him as of the 20th of this month. 10 fucking years. Does that mean ANYTHING to him? Apparently not.

As some of you may or may not know, back in December, Sky & I had to ship out our Xbox 360 due to the GLORIOUS "Red Ring of Death" on the ring of light. That was about a week before Christmas. Just after the new year, we received a replacement system - not bad turn around. We were quite pleased to have a system back. Well, the system came to us making some ungodly noises when it ran, but other than that, it was fine. Last week, it started freezing on Sky again, in the middle of games. Then it started freezing just turning it on. Last night, after having let it sit for a week, he decided to give it another go. Well, this time, we got a green screen on the TV, and nothing from the system...so he turned it off and back on, and to what do our eyes see?? The fucking RED RING OF DEATH AGAIN! So after 30 minutes on the phone with customer support, we're getting, YET AGAIN, another return box sent to us, to ship our Xbox back to them. I was so irrate with the guy on the phone, and to add insult to injury, the fucking call was routed to India or Pakistan or some other asshole country, where they guy's accent was so bad I could barely understand him!! ARRRGGGG!!! The only difference with this repair is, they want us to send back the power supply along with the console, because maybe THAT'S causing it to crap out...ugh. I'm so fed up with Microsoft and all their shitty-ass products. I had to help a friend do some stuff on her computer that has Vista, and I wanted throw her fucking computer out into the snow, and smash it with a baseball bat! Most annoying operating system since Millenium Edition! 

So Bill Gates, if you happen to stumble across this blog, you can suck a dick. Next time one of your shitty-ass products craps out, I'm going to smash it into teeny tiny pieces, and ship it back directly to you, with a love note telling you just what you can do with each of those teeny tiny pieces. FUCK YOU, you rich, shit-creating bastard. There really is a special Hell designated just for you...

hugs & kisses,

Me

Thankfully not mine, considering I'm already married (duh)...

A little backstory:

My best friend Angela started dating David (her fiancee) approximately 3 years ago. About a year into their relationship, she got pregnant. At that time, they started talking about getting married. Around the 7 month mark of the pregnancy, they got engaged. The baby is now 1.5 years old. They have been planning this weddding since the engagement. Her mother (her birth mother) told her when they got engaged that she has the money set aside for a small-ish wedding, but was ready to help out and get it all taken care of. So they go about the task of picking out the place for the reception, getting things booked, calling the DJ, the photographer....you know the drill. Everything was in place, now that we're down to the last 4 months home stretch here, its time to just finalize the guest list and get the dresses altered. Woo hoo!

Yesterday, Angela had her mother & step father come over to discuss the finalized plans. A few months back, Angela's mother made a comment that she did not want Angela's mom (her step mom)  to be listed as one of the parents giving her away. That she (birth-mom) wanted to be the only parent. Angela flipped. Her step mom raised her for the majority of her life. As a child, her birth mom was abusive verbally (and probably physically) to the kids. So when her dad remarried, the kids went to live with him. When her dad split up from his second wife, the kids stayed with their step mom. She's been the only mother they really know. So of COURSE, Angela does not agree with her mother. Since Ang disagreed, her mother is no longer paying for the wedding. OH, and her step father said he doesn't want her DAD (who passed away 2 years ago) listed as a parent EITHER!! WTF??? I could understand if Ang had decided a month ago that they wanted a wedding and it HAD to be this coming May, and it HAD to be some huge to-do - but no. It's something petty, and her mother would rather have her daughter go into massive debt than give up the money she had already saved for the wedding. Because this wedding is not all about her, and she can't stand that. (if you can't tell, I don't really have much respect for Angela's birth-mom. To me she was basically a womb donor).

So yeah, her mother is no longer paying for the wedding, which is 4 months away. Last night, Angela called me in hysterics over it, and does not know what to do. Today I'll be heading out to Lancaster to sit down with her and help figure out what all needs to be done to make this happen as cheaply as possible. She basically needs to cut her guest list down, find an inexpensive place to house the wedding, see if her photographer will come down on the price and just give her 1 set of proofs and a disc of the photos so she can print her own if she wants, figure out if she can afford catering or deli tray type stuff, or if she wants to do a pot luck, figure out if she's going to do it in Lancaster still or move it down this way, figure out what to do for beverages for everyone...it's going to be a process.

And her sisters have not been of much help either. The older sister keeps wanting to make this 'her' wedding (since she didn't really have one), while her younger sister is too focused on herself to care. It's a shame, really. I know that many people exagerate the drama in their family life when they are the middle child (hell, I did it ALL THE TIME), but Angela has seriously received the short end of the stick over and over again when it comes to her family.

And the wedding shower...I have no idea what's going to happen there. I'm the Matron of Honor. I know this is supposed to be my thing, and I'd love for it to be my thing. However, her older sister has pretty much taken it upon herself to 'take charge'. She has ideas for this thing that just don't fit Angela's style, or just won't be useful to her. She wants to do a kitchen gadget shower. Fine. I love the idea, because Ang is always talking about learning to cook more. Problem: Her kitchen is about 9' x 9'. She has no room for kitchen gadgets of any kind. Her whole APARTMENT is probably only 500 square feet...I don't see the point in her registering for much, because they don't have the room for items that normally end up on a registry. Sky & I did not have a registry because of this, and it worked out GREAT! We got a TON of money instead, which helped us out immensely.  But that's Angela's choice. We can still do a kitchen themed shower, but she doesn't need to register for fucking appliances she won't use or doesn't have room for. It's not realistic. I've known Angela for 20 years now. That's not really her thing. Her sister also doesn't want to spend any money on it either. I am all about doing this as cheaply as possible - I don't really have tons of cash to toss around, but it's my best friend. I want to give her a good shower that fits the budget. I know that Nicole's budget is better off than mine and could afford it, she just doesn't want to spend it. I honestly think she was hoping their mother (who is not paying for the wedding) would step in and pay for the shower, since that's what she did for the baby shower. She's warped in the head.

Today, hopefully, I will be getting the list of people Ang & David definitely want at the wedding, so I can start planning the shower from that. I have pretty much resigned myself to doing this one alone. I don't want to deal with her sisters, since they're both f-ing crazy. I'm going to plan it, tell them how much it comes to split 3 ways, and say "pay me what you can". I don't want anyone to be strapped, so if I can fit the whole thing in my budget, then they can pay me whatever they want towards it, and I won't be put out.

SO anyway, I will hopefully be helping Angela figure this out. She needs someone outside of the situation to help get her in line. She's too emotional about the whole thing. Besides, I want her to have a wedding as close to what she wants as possible, and am willing to help her in as many ways as I can. That's what the BFF does, dammit!

Ryan and I now know who are real friends are, they are the ones that show up to gatherings and stay till the very end.Thanks Guys!!!"

Now, I've been friends with her since we were like 8 or 9, so upwards of 20 years now. The part that bothers me the most is the "they are the ones that show up to gatherings". This is the first time we've 'missed' a gathering at her house in years. YEARS. She hasn't invited us over for anything in months - she's too busy hanging out with her ex boyfriend & his new wife, and has not invited us over once (and we used to be friends with her ex too). I just don't get it. To me it seems intentionally directed at us, since we're pretty much the only other people on her myspace that would have been invited to the party. 

So I posted a comment that I was sorry we had too much to drink to make it by before the end of the night, and that I was sad I missed it. I ended the post stating "Real friends or not, I still miss you guys." Hopefully she takes the hint that I don't feel this way about them...I don't know. It's so fucking petty, yet I can't get past it. She's been a good friend to me for years. Now recently there's been all this hostility towards me, and I don't know where it's coming from. Unfortunately, she's 'that' type of person where if I came to her and asked what's going on, she'd be sweet as pie to my face and say nothing's wrong, and then bash me to other people. I've watched her do it to so many others over the years. I don't know. At this point I'm ready to cut ties and just say fuck it, but how do you turn your back on a 20 year friendship?
Ugh...happy fucking new year...

Linkin Park's Meteora & Hybrid Theory take me back to 5 years ago, working out at the gym near my work. I listened to these two albums RELIGIOUSLY, and still do when I want to exercise hard. The sporadic anger that pops up in each song gets me ready to kick ass and take names. It probably always will. This nostalgia makes me sad; I miss going to the gym and going nuts on the elliptical machine and the weights…laziness has pretty much stopped that from happening, but it is something I can change.

Pearl Jam's Yield makes me think of this guy, Paul, who I had fallen for hard my senior year. I took him to South Street to get his nipples pierced, and that's what we listened to the entire ride down and back. They were (probably still are) his favorite band... I haven't talked to or seen him since high school, yet I remember him clearly every time I hear 'Given to Fly'…

Music that reminds me of times with Sky is probably the most strangest - video game soundtracks (go figure, right?). I know so many songs from all the Final Fantasy games, the Zelda games, Gears of War, Metal Gear, etc. etc. etc...I can hear them and think of him. Of course, the only time I hear them is when I'm with him! LOL!

I've just been on this kick lately of listening to random music, and letting it take me away. I feel like I'm addicted to nostalgia; I get such a great mix of emotions and memories. It's almost as if I am afraid I will lose the memories if I don't remind myself of them from time to time...

bah...I feel like I'm in between happiness and sadness - like I'm 'in a funk'...I think I need to get shit-faced drunk.

 xoxo

~D

When the alarm went off this morning, it hit me - this is my last day of driving in to Collegeville from Pottstown for work. NICE! A little back-info is necessary, if you care.

Currently, the dude who heads my department also heads Accounts Receivable, Accounting, Finance, Fixed Assets...ummm...probably some others that I can't think of at the moment. Anyway, half of his staff is housed in the Collegeville office, the other part is in Royersford. A while back, the decision was made that all his people were going to be housed in one location, to free up some space at Collegeville and make it easier on him so he's not having to travel between both offices multiple times in a day. Makes sense.
So Iron Mountain took over an empty warehouse from the company sharing the building in Royersford, WAI. This warehouse was then converted into office spaces...except it's still just a warehouse - there's no windows...
The conversion is complete, with the exception of a few things (we still don't know if we have printers over there yet...); the major one being that our half is still in Collegeville...until today. Today, we get to tear down the PC's and hang around for a few hours while the movers get started moving our shit over there. The past few days have been spent working with the bare essentials on the desk - stapler, tape, post-its, 2 pens, and an adding machine. All bins have been packed as well as all other non-essential items. Yesterday, I boxed up the last of my desk crap, leaving just my computer, to be torn down this morning. The movers come in around 10, and by 11 or 12, we will be done for the day and sent home with pay. NICE!
I'm sad and excited at the same time. There are people I have met and old school acquaintances I have met with that work in the same office building, but different departments. I will never see them again, unless i have to go to Collegeville for some odd reason. It's wierd. I feel like I'm starting a new job, but everyone I worked with is coming with me. I'll be meeting people in the receivables side that I have only ever dealt with via email and phone, so that will be cool. I'm just really super-excited.

Of course, they planned this move around the upgrade of Oracle, the software we use for everything, so that way it can go down for a few days and the main group that uses it doesn't get screwed out of work to do. Monday, since we will need to refile 20+ filing cabinets of crap, the program can be down and we won't really care. Tuesday morning it is 'supposed' to be back up, but we all know how upgrades can go...they don't always work as planned...so here's to hoping, because I hate being bored at work.

On a different note, I'm home alone tonight.  Sky's working a double again, so he won't be  home until probably well after midnight...SO...anybody wanna go out drinking??

you know where to find me if you want me.

Didn't I call it!? Deaths always happen in threes...

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend Becky, and she told me her father passed away yesterday. He's been ill for a while, found cancer a few months back and he's been fighting ever since...such a shame; I really loved her dad - he was a great man!! I hope her and her family are holding up ok; she really does come from a wonderful group of people - my heart breaks for all of them...

WTF!?! This day just keeps getting 'better'... :(